Be There and Listen: What Young People Often Need Most

As a counsellor, I have met many children, young people, and young adults over the years, and one common family dynamic keeps showing up. Parents feel hurt, frustrated, and sometimes angry because they experience their child as rude, dismissive, or disrespectful. At the same time, the child or young person often feels deeply misunderstood. They tell me, “No one listens to me,” or “My parents only hear my attitude, not what I’m actually trying to say.”

This dynamic can easily become a painful cycle. A parent hears sharp words, silence, eye-rolling, or defensiveness and responds with correction, advice, or stronger control. The child or young person then feels even less understood, becomes more reactive or more withdrawn, and the parent sees even more “attitude.” Underneath the conflict, both sides are often carrying hurt. The parent may be thinking, I’ve done so much for you — why am I being treated like this? The young person may be thinking, You only see my behaviour, not my stress, pressure, confusion, or pain.

Of course, respectful communication still matters. This is not about excusing hurtful behaviour. But very often, what looks like rudeness is not simply a bad attitude. It may be frustration, emotional overload, anxiety, shame, exhaustion, or a sense of not being safe enough to say what is really going on. Many children and young people do not yet have the words, regulation, or confidence to say, “I feel judged,” “I feel pressured,” “I feel like I can never get it right,” or “I need you to understand me before you try to change me.”

One of the most important things I have seen is that a lot of the time, the child or young person is not actually looking for solutions. They are not asking for a strategy, a lesson, or a fix. They are looking for someone who can sit with them, hear them, and stay present without immediately correcting, analysing, or solving. When parents move too quickly into “how about…”, “why don’t you…”, or “you should…”, the young person often feels shut down rather than supported. What they may need first is simple but powerful: someone who can be there and listen.

So what can help? Slow the moment down. Not every difficult interaction needs an immediate lecture. Try listening for what sits underneath the tone. Ask gentle questions such as, “What’s been hardest for you lately?” or “Do you want help, or do you just need me to hear you?” Set boundaries when needed, but without shame: “I want to understand you, and we still need to speak respectfully.” Most of all, create space for repair.

Families do not need perfect communication. They need enough safety for honesty, enough patience for emotions, and enough listening so that a child or young person feels they are not alone. Sometimes the greatest support is not having the right answer, but being the person who stays.